← Back to Blog
By Alex·October 7, 2026·10 min read

People Are Happier to Hear From You Than You Think: The Research on Reaching Out

TL;DR. Across experiments with more than 5,900 people, those who reached out to someone they had not been in touch with underestimated how much the recipient appreciated it. The gap was bigger when the message was more of a surprise and when the two people were less close. The same pattern shows up for thank-you notes, compliments and messages of support: senders worry about saying it well, recipients notice that you thought of them. The effects are real but modest, and they come from relationships with a positive history. For LinkedIn, that means: send the short, specific note, skip the apology, and consider your voice.

You think of someone. A former colleague, a person who gave you good advice once, someone whose post you liked last week. You open LinkedIn, start typing, and stop. It has been too long. They probably barely remember you. It might feel strange.

A growing set of studies says that hesitation is usually based on a bad forecast. This article walks through what was actually measured, how big the effects are, where they stop applying, and how to use them in the messages you write.

The main study: reaching out is appreciated more than senders expect

In 2022, Peggy Liu, SoYon Rim, Lauren Min and Kate Min published a set of preregistered experiments under a plain title: "The Surprise of Reaching Out: Appreciated More Than We Think"[1]. The full set involved more than 5,900 participants[2]. A few of the experiments are worth knowing in detail.

  • A short note to a friend. Students wrote a brief note to someone in their social circle they had pleasant encounters with but had not interacted with in a while. The researchers delivered it and asked the recipient how much they appreciated it. On a 7-point scale, senders predicted 5.57. Recipients reported 6.17 (54 pairs)[1].
  • A note with a small gift. Same setup, plus a small gift. On a 5-point scale, senders predicted 4.25 and recipients reported 4.72 (67 pairs)[1].
  • Memories of real reach-outs. In a recall study with 200 adults, people who remembered reaching out thought their gesture was appreciated less than people who remembered receiving one said they appreciated it[1].

Two details matter for anyone with a big, loose network. First, the underestimation was larger "when the communication was more surprising" or when "the social ties between the two participants were weak"[2]. Second, the authors found that recipients focused more on the surprise of being contacted, and that focus on surprise went with higher appreciation[1]. The thing you worry about ("it will be weird, it has been so long") is the thing that makes the message land.

How big is the effect, honestly?

Modest. Nearly everyone in these studies, senders included, rated the appreciation above the midpoint of the scale[1]. People knew a friendly note would be welcome. They just underestimated how welcome. An independent team re-ran one of the scenario studies with 742 participants and replicated the finding, with an effect size of d = 0.25 against 0.32 in the original[3]. That is a small-to-moderate gap, consistent across studies, which is a better basis for action than one dramatic result.

The scope also has a limit. The researchers focused on people with "a history of positive interactions" and did not study reaching out after a falling-out[4]. Nor did they study cold sales messages to strangers.

It's a pattern: thanks, compliments, support

The reach-out study fits a broader set of findings, many of them from Nicholas Epley and colleagues at the University of Chicago.

  • Thank-you notes. Amit Kumar and Epley had people write gratitude letters and predict the recipient's reaction. "Recipients reported even more surprise and delight than what the senders expected," and senders "overestimated the awkwardness that the recipient would feel"[5]. A 2023 review notes the pattern held across an additional published experiment and 17 later replications[6].
  • Compliments. In one survey series, people said they deliberately held back an average of 36% of the compliments that came to mind. In an experiment with couples who had known each other for about 10 years on average, compliment givers still underestimated how positive their partner would feel and overestimated the awkwardness[6].
  • Support. In a study by James Dungan, David Munguia Gomez and Epley, recipients of supportive messages found them "less awkward and more warm and competent than expressers expected"[7].
  • Conversations. After talking with someone new, people "systematically underestimated how much their conversation partners liked them and enjoyed their company," a gap that lasted for months among new college roommates[8].
  • Asking for help. In three studies, people underestimated "by as much as 50%" how likely others were to agree to a direct request for help[9].

Why we get it wrong: competence vs. warmth

The leading explanation is a difference in what each side pays attention to. The person sending the message worries about doing it well: the right words, the right timing, not sounding needy. The person receiving it mostly registers that someone thought of them. The 2023 review puts it this way: prosocial actors "attend relatively more to the competence of their actions, whereas recipients attend relatively more to the warmth conveyed"[6].

That has a practical sting. In one compliment experiment, getting people to focus on warmth made them more interested in sharing their compliment, but it did not move the share who actually sent it by much. Many said they preferred to wait for "the right time"[6]. Waiting for the perfect moment is the competence worry in another form.

What this means for your LinkedIn messages

1. Send the short version

If recipients care mostly about warmth, a three-line note sent today beats a polished one you never send. In the main study, the field experiments used brief notes[1]. Nobody needed an essay.

2. Make it specific, because specific reads as warm

"Hope you're well" could go to anyone. "I still use the pricing framework you sketched on the whiteboard in 2021" could only go to one person. That is what tells the recipient you actually thought about them. It is also why mass, templated outreach misses the point: LinkedIn's policies don't allow "untargeted, irrelevant, obviously unwanted" messages[12], and a message that could go to anyone carries none of the warmth these studies measured.

3. Treat the surprise as a feature

Recipients' focus on surprise went with higher appreciation[1]. So skip "sorry it's been so long." A short line about your shared history does the job and keeps the message about them.

4. Consider your voice

When people reconnected with an old friend by phone instead of email, they felt a stronger bond and the call was not more awkward, even though they expected it to be[10]. LinkedIn lets you send voice messages of up to one minute to 1st-degree connections, from the mobile app[11]. A 30-second "saw your news, made me think of our project" can carry more warmth than a paragraph.

5. Keep the hello and the ask in proportion

Pure check-ins and thank-yous are the cleanest version of what was studied. If you do need something, the help research suggests people say yes more often than you expect[9]. Make the ask small and easy to decline, and lead with the relationship.

Three messages you can adapt

The thank-you. Hi Marco, I was thinking about my first year at [Company] and how much your feedback on my first board deck changed how I present. I never properly said thanks. So: thank you. Hope the new team is treating you well.
The specific compliment. Hi Dana, your post on cutting onboarding steps was the most useful thing I read this month. We tried the "one question first" idea on Tuesday. Will let you know how it goes.
The check-in with a reason. Hi Sam, saw you just moved to [New Company], congrats. Last time we spoke you were trying to get into exactly this space. How are the first weeks going?

None of them apologizes, all of them are specific, and none asks for anything. For more on writing messages that don't read like a template, see our guide to AI outreach that doesn't sound like AI.

Build a small habit around it

  1. One thank-you a week. Someone whose advice, intro or work helped you, at any point in your career.
  2. Reply to moments. Job changes, work anniversaries and posts are natural reasons to write. You don't need to invent one.
  3. Notice the hesitation. When you catch yourself thinking "it's been too long," treat it as the signal the research describes. Send it anyway.
  4. Write down the reply. What they said and anything you promised, so next time you start from context.

For a fuller routine, our guide to staying in touch without being annoying picks up from here. The hard part in a network of thousands is noticing the moments in the first place. wait who? flags job changes and anniversaries across your connections and drafts a short, specific note from your shared context for you to edit, which is the use case behind keeping in touch.

FAQ

Do people really appreciate being contacted out of the blue?

In experiments with more than 5,900 participants, recipients appreciated being reached out to more than senders predicted. In one field study, senders predicted 5.57 on a 7-point scale and recipients reported 6.17. The gap was larger when the contact was more surprising or the relationship was less close.

Is it awkward to message someone I haven't talked to in years?

It usually feels more awkward to the sender than to the recipient. Studies on gratitude letters, compliments and support messages found that senders consistently overestimated how awkward recipients would feel. The research covered relationships with a positive history, not people you fell out with.

How big is the effect?

Small to moderate, and consistent. An independent replication of one study with 742 participants found an effect size of d = 0.25, compared with 0.32 in the original. Most senders expected a positive reaction. They underestimated how positive it would be.

Should I send a LinkedIn voice message instead of text?

It is worth trying with people you know. In a field experiment, reconnecting with an old friend by phone created a stronger bond than email without being more awkward. LinkedIn voice messages go to 1st-degree connections from the mobile app and can be up to one minute long.

Does this apply to cold sales outreach?

No. The studies looked at people reaching out to someone in their own social circle with a positive history. They did not test cold messages to strangers, and LinkedIn's policies prohibit untargeted or obviously unwanted messages.

Sources

  1. The Surprise of Reaching Out: Appreciated More Than We Think (Liu, Rim, Min and Min). Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2022. APA.
  2. Friends enjoy being reached out to more than we think. ScienceDaily, from an American Psychological Association release, July 11, 2022.
  3. Report #7: Replication of a study from "The Surprise of Reaching Out: Appreciated More Than We Think". Transparent Replications by Clearer Thinking, 2023.
  4. Study identifies a robust tendency to underestimate how much others appreciate being reached out to. PsyPost.
  5. People Underestimate the Power of Saying 'Thanks' (on Kumar and Epley, Psychological Science, 2018). Association for Psychological Science, Observer.
  6. A Prosociality Paradox: How Miscalibrated Social Cognition Creates a Misplaced Barrier to Prosocial Action (Epley, Kumar, Dungan and Echelbarger). Current Directions in Psychological Science, 2023. Author-hosted copy.
  7. How Can I Help? In Times of Need, People Just Want to Feel Supported (on Dungan, Munguia Gomez and Epley, Psychological Science, 2022). Association for Psychological Science, Observer, August 2022.
  8. The Liking Gap in Conversations: Do People Like Us More Than We Think? (Boothby, Cooney, Sandstrom and Clark). Psychological Science, 2018. University of Essex repository.
  9. If You Need Help, Just Ask: Underestimating Compliance With Direct Requests for Help (Flynn and Bohns, published as Lake). Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2008. Cornell eCommons.
  10. It's Surprisingly Nice to Hear You (Kumar and Epley). Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 2021. Author-hosted copy.
  11. Recording voice messages sent on the LinkedIn mobile app. LinkedIn Help.
  12. Professional Community Policies. LinkedIn.

Know who to write to, and why now.

wait who? syncs your LinkedIn network, flags job changes and work anniversaries, shows who engaged with your posts, and drafts a short note from your shared context. You edit it and send it yourself.

Create a free account →

Keep reading